New York Times reporter Jenna Wortham recently called Apple’s iPhone “the Hummer of cellphones,” in that, they just love to guzzle up bandwidth. With the release of iPhone 3.0, Apple introduced support for MMS and tethering, both of which are still currently absent if you are an AT&T customer (although AT&T now says that September 25th is the day). And since the iPhone is exclusive to this US carrier, its citizens are, for the lack of a better word, fucked (and I imagine rightfully prickly). However, AT&T has promised major updates to their currently insufficient network, but says it will take time. A 2011 date seems far away and if it were me, considering the price of cellphone ownership, the company should have prepared for these kinds of surges. (After all, it’s not like research firms haven’t conducted data collection on mobile phone usage trends.) Excuse me if I’m not won over by AT&T’s self-promotional statements of being at the forefront of innovation and commitment to its customers. And if that is the case, then all cellphone users can shed a tear.

Now, while none of this is really earth shattering news, and the world will continue to turn (unless you are part of the Flat Earth Society) whether you can send your buddy pictures of some drunken cage dancer making a complete ass of herself, it does show just what kind of fine line AT&T (and I imagine other carriers as well) have been walking. While they’ve been busy gorging, stopping to throw you the occasional bone, you’ve been toiling away, paying high rates and suffering all their indignities. AT&T has seen healthy growth (a 50% growth in wireless revenue, and that’s up from 40% over last year) and even healthier sales. In fact, 40% of their new customers wanted the new iPhone 3GS, and why not, it’s not a phone, but a super computer that fits right into your pocket. So why again is AT&T dragging their heels to bring you full functionality? Why aren’t they sharing the love? Greed. It’s been working for them for a long time now, and they’ve grown fat off the meagre services they’ve been offering, so there’s not much incentive to give you more, especially since it would most certainly mean they would have to go on a diet. But they’d rather have you believe the process simply takes time. Erecting new cellular towers, apparently, isn’t all that easy. The process, apparently, is an exhaustive one, requiring permits and, brace yourself, software that takes months to activate the tower (puzzling, I know).

By dancing this fine line between bilking customers and giving them just enough to keep them from rioting, they’ve allowed no room for growth; however, it has certainly allowed them to live the luxurious life, while you toil away for that unappreciative and ungrateful boss. It seems the telecommunication giants have crunched the numbers and given you just precisely what they think you may need, and not a byte more. And all this because competition is non-existent. The major carriers have long gobbled up anyone who stood in their way. They own the air and there isn’t much you can do about it. They are the last game in town and you better suck it up if you want to conduct business or text your boyfriend laude messages on the way to work.

And what about the 700 MHz auction? Wasn’t that supposed to inject some blood into the frail and collapsed veins of the cellular industry? Perk them up, get them to start offering competitive prices? Well, look at your bills. Tell me if you’ve seen a decrease. (Go ahead and look, I’ll wait.) Chances are there hasn’t been any change, or maybe you’ve actually seen a reduction in service without a subsequent reduction in price? Google (and secretly thought wolf in sheep’s clothing by some) put in a sizable bid, provided networks were to be kept open for use (and not locked down as they are with the dominant carriers). Verizon and the Cellular Telephone Industries Association (which represents the wireless telecommunications companies) objected and would later sue the FCC after they begrudgingly upheld (some of) Google’s requests. It seems the telecommunication companies didn’t like the fact people wouldn’t be chained down, or rather, they felt it was unconstitutional to not be allowed to chain people down.

So where does that leave you? Still at their mercy I’m afraid. And it looks like there isn’t much you can do about it. Break the contract, and you are hit with an arbitrary and ludicrous cancellation of contract clause buried in the fine print. Sure it’s set up to recoup moneys for some heavily subsidized headsets, but I don’t recall being provided an exemption when I signed up and received a headset so cheap, it must have cost Samsung all but six whole dollars to build. I was subject to the same stipulation as my cousin who purchased an extravagant and quite costly phone. Incidentally, my unit was provided free with a contract and sold for $79.99 without, his: $199.99 with contract and $699.99 without—yet both of us were subject to the astronomical $400 charge. Seek greener pastures and you’ll quickly find that none exist. Cancel service altogether and forgo owning a cellphone and you’ll sink quicker than the titanic in this hyper connected world where nearly every person in the developed world has a mobile device. You’ll ostracize yourself and will soon fill the sweet sting of hermiticism.

So what can you do? Well, they say the squeaky wheel gets the grease, so tie a bunch of barrels to your car, get a hose, and prepare to break into your sons school for the mother load! Complain (intelligently and with grace) to officials and consumer agencies. Now you may think the FCC is in the pocket of big business, but then you’d be ignoring human nature. Humans are odd creatures with an affinity categorization. Even more fascinating is our need to form groups: us vs. them mentality.

Psychologists have long shown that groups can be formed on the basis of nothing. That means if we give you and a bunch of strangers pens, and other people pencils, you’ll click with your new Pen Brotherhood. Moreover, you’ll find reasons to dislike the Pencil Pushers. Really. And that goes for national organizations too. Employees at the FCC will galvanize and come to see the carriers as the enemy, as sure as the frost settles in the morning, that is what they’ll do. So harness the power of human nature and be heard. Or you can just idly by and wait to see what the FCC’s ongoing, “broad” probe of the US wireless industry turns up. It’s totally entirely your “call.”